My Sacrifice: A Reflection on the Feast of Saint Ignatius of Loyola

photo courtesy of bro. anthony coloma sj

Saint Ignatius of Loyola was a brave general in the army and he dreamed of a celebrated military career. at the age of 26 in the battlefield at Pamplona an enemy bullet shattered his knee as he recovered in his wealthy family castle at Loyola he read a book about the lives of saints and began to ask himself: 'If these great saints made big sacrifices for God why can't I do the same?' He came to realize that marvelous divine graces were received when we allowed God to act in our lives.

- From Day One of the Novena in Honor of St. Ignatius of Loyola

Ignatius of Loyola made a big sacrifice at the age of 26: he gave up a potentially stellar career as a soldier to become a soldier for Christ. As he surrendered his sword at the feet of the grotto of the Queen of Heaven in Monserrat, he also surrendered his freedom, memory, understanding, and will in order to be guided by God's will.

When I underwent the Spiritual Exercises three years ago, one of my reflections during the second week of the exercises looked into the sacrifices that one has to make in life in pursuit of a higher, more noble goal. Here is an excerpt from my reflection, entitled My Sacrifice.

The third characteristic of an authentic encounter is that there are sacrifices to be made in order to fully commit oneself to the one who calls. In the fruits of my contemplation on the call of the King, the two standards, and three classes of men, one thing has been constant, which is the need to make sacrifices for something “more.” Some name it as “the treasure hidden in the field” or “the pearl of great price”, but it is Christ Himself who is the “more.” But again, speaking about this is easier than lifting one’s finger to do it. And honestly, it has been one of my primary struggles in the exercises and even in my life thus far. On the one hand, there is that movement of desire to follow Him, and on the other hand, there exists the tendency to cling into one’s own self, gifts, and possessions that are just hard to let go. It seems that He’s asking the moon in the process because of the seemingly exorbitant demands! And the greatest fear of them all is of losing one’s own self in the process. 

I remember that article on Fr. Juan Sanz SJ that was published on the recent Insta. According to the write-up, he lost his mind. But recalling the lyrics of the song “Take and Receive,” it says “Take and receive, O Lord, my liberty, take all my will, my mind, my memory.” In effect, what more is left of me? That’s everything that I need in order to be of service to You, and now you’re taking it?! The sacrifice seems too radical to do. 

But just when I am beginning to sink into my own filthy self, He comes to hit me hard in the nape, saying, “You don’t have to be perfect to be my disciple, just follow.” 

And from the very beginning, it was made clear that the purpose of the Spiritual Exercises is precisely to conquer the self and to regulate one’s life so that no decision shall be made under the influence of any inordinate attachment. What Jesus demands of me is to sacrifice my inordinate attachments, those that hinder me from seeking Him, from following Him, from loving Him. 

I wrote this almost four years ago, and I think that now that I have returned to the seminary for my final two years of seminary formation, God calls me to make greater sacrifices in life. And I guess that as people get older, the bigger or even greater are the things that have to be given away.

Now, at 27, I should be gearing myself to the prime years of my life. People at this age have already settled themselves with the profession they chose, some have already begun raising a family (as most of my classmates and friends have), others have made crucial career shifts in order to proceed with their desired way of life. Looking at friends of mine, they too have made sacrifices - giving up other possible career options to tread a particular path, giving up their own personal freedom and interests for the sake of the family they seek to establish, giving up their time, talents, and treasure for something or someone other than themselves.

I too am embarking on a lot of big things to "give up" this year. To begin this school year, I had to "give up" the life of a professional - a fulfilling and decent-paying career as a teacher - to be a student once more. Come March next year, I have to "give up" the possibility of exchanging "I do's" with the woman of my dreams as I make the vow of celibacy and accept the candidacy to ordination to the priesthood. This semester alone, there's a lot of "giving up" to be done: personal time, leisure and relaxation, home, material possessions, friends, UAAP games, and the list goes on and on.

Until now, I still keep that small sheet of paper that Fr. Jun Bugtas SJ gave to us at the beginning of Spiritual Pastoral Formation Year in 2007, which reads:

There is only one thing that is necessary: to belong to God; and all the other things on the face of the earth, no matter how great or beautiful, is secondary and subordinate and must be sacrificed. 

Nothing is easy. Everything in this life has a price to pay. Ignatius had his fair share of sacrifices. I too have to make a definitive choice.

deo gratias.