The One that got away

Choices. Life is defined by choices. We have choices because we are free. We have the capacity to choose because we have the freedom, knowledge, and wisdom to determine which is which. Our choices define us. Our choices show our values, what we hold dearly, what we perceive as greater, what we think and trust will be for our own good.

But life is not much of a choice between good and evil, right and wrong, valuable and meaningless. More often than not, our choices surround two goods, two equally appealing realities, or even more. This perhaps is the hardest of choices, because in the end one has to go. One has to leave. One has to become impossible in order for the other to be put into completion. And for sure, it is hard to let go of something, or better yet, someone, who has been part of me or even should have been, could have been, and would have been an eternity of being part of each other's lives. It's a choice to take because everything in this life has a price to pay.

It's been a while since we last saw each other, exchange messages with each other, have those long yet interesting correspondences about life, love, and the future. It has been a while since I last saw you, since we've been together, since we've just simply wasted time with each other. It has been a while, and in between there were changes that happened. You pursued your dream, you stood by your choice, you found somebody to love, you continued to take the road to fulfillment. And so did I. These changes were brought about by the choices we made, the values we hold unto, the dreams we seek to fulfill. We respected each other's choice. We desired nothing less but the best for each other. But in effect, we had to let go - let go of the possibilities within, the time together, the opportunities to share, the future we could have built together. But then again, that is part of the price that we have to pay.

Wherever you are right now, whatever you're doing, whoever you;re with, I'm sure that you are happy. You are on your way to fulfill your own calling, to make a lifelong dream a reality, to build a future for yourself and your loved ones. I myself am also on my way to a lifelong journey of service and dedication. And in both yet separate ways, we wish each other well, we aspire nothing else but the best for both of us.

The lights go out, the bridges burn, once we go, we can't return.

"To love is to wish the other person well." If I remember my philosophy lessons right, it was Saint Thomas Aquinas who said this. As always, I wish you well in your life. Times change, people come and go, feelings fleet, but my wish for you remains the same. Until we meet again.

Kevin Luther C. Crisostomo

7 June 2k12 5:32 PM

Mount Peace, Baguio City

8 Day Pre-Diaconal Retreat

AM+DG

Love Notes: Mangyari Lamang by Rico Abelardo

this poem, read in sir bobby guevarra's theo 141 class, is for the members of SAWI (samahan ng mga atenistang walang iniibig). or am i the only one left? hahahaha

Mangyari Lamang
by Rico Abelardo

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nagmahal
nang makita ng lahat
ang mukha ng pag- ibig
ipamalas ang tamis
ng malalim na pagkakaunawaan
sa mga malabo ang paningin

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo rin
ang mga nagmahal at nasawi
nang makita ng lahat
ang mga sugat ng isang bayani
ipadama ang pait ng kabiguan
habang ipinagbubunyi
ang walang katulad na kagitingan
ng isang nagtaya

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nangangambang magmahal
nang makita ng lahat
ang kilos ng isang bata
ipamalas ang katapatan ng damdamin
na pilit ikinukubli
ng pusong lumaki sa mga engkanto at diwata

Mangyari lamang ay tumayo
ang mga nagmahal, minahal at iniwan
ngunit handa pa ring magmahal
nang makita ng lahat ang yaman ng karanasan
ipamalas ang katotohanang nasaksihan
nang maging makahulugan
ang mga paghagulgol sa dilm

At sa mga nananatiling nakaupo
mangyari lamang ay dahan- dahang tumalilis
papalabas sa nakangangang pinto
umuwi na kayo
at sumbatan ang mga magulang
na nagpalaki ng isang halimaw

At sa lahat ng naiwang nakatayo
mangyari lamang ay hagkan ang isa’t isa
at yakapin ang mga sugatan
mabuhay tayong lahat na nagsisikap na makabalik
sa ating pinagmulan
manatiling masaya
at higit sa lahat magpatuloy
sa pagmamahal

Love Notes: Final reflections on love

(photo source)

a few days before valentine's day, i thought on posting something from my h4 cle lessons about love, particularly those taken from m. scott peck's book "the road less travelled."

Looking back: God as Love in Salvation History
In salvation history, we have witnessed God’s love, and as we’ve discussed before, love as eros and agape. With M. Scott Peck’s definition of love involving the willful extension of oneself, it is once again applicable to our relationship with God. God made Himself known and came to aid the Israelites and thus, God’s infinite ego came to include man; man became part of God. But the relationship does not end there for God calls on man to love. Man thus allows God into his ego boundaries, to let God dwell in him and be part of his being. Moreover, God went even further and became man in Jesus Christ, who exemplified a model of love. Christ extended his ego boundaries towards the marginalized and the rich. Christ’ perfect love (life and sacrifice) moves us to love as he did. He shows us the power of love as a fulfillment of one’s being and thus we are all called to be Christ-like in loving ourselves and others. 

God is Love, both eros and agape
God gave humanity the freedom to love. We are drawn to God (eros, cathexis), but are called to freely choose and extend ourselves for that God (agape, breaking down ego boundaries). The result is that we continue to grow in freedom and in love.

We have the freedom to choose what we do, or at the least, how we feel and what we think of our lives. We have the freedom to do things that promote our growth and the growth of others. We have the freedom to love.

Hence, love is not mere attraction, nor is it mere sacrifice. Rather, freedom and love are messy, complicated things that require serious effort and attention. It is easy to simplify love according to what we see in the movies. Unfortunately, life is not that easy. However, because of that, it is much more rewarding. 

From Love to Justice
Love is the ultimate vocation that we are called to. It is our universal vocation, which can be uniquely expressed by every individual. However, after understanding the nature love—it is true; that our vocation, as much as it is ours, is one that involves others. We must love our neighbors.

Love of the beloved, though good, is not yet the fullest expression of love. Love must transcend this and be infused to society or it should become the standard of conduct in life. With this, we need to extend ourselves not just to those close to us, but to society in general, and more precisely our neighbor. This is where the call to justice begins.

Love Notes: Love as decision and commitment

(photo source)

a few days before valentine's day, i thought on posting something from my h4 cle lessons about love, particularly those taken from m. scott peck's book "the road less travelled."

Looking back: Myths of Love
Each myth always involves the movement of the ego boundaries. It’s apparent that in many of these myths of love, the ego boundaries have been restricted or is sacrificed to the point that a person no longer grow. In such cases, since love is unable to achieve its goal (spiritual growth of self and others), these experiences are thus myths or in the words of Pope Benedict, “a caricature or an impoverished form of love.”

Love as decision and commitment
True love, according to M. Scott Peck, goes through three stages. The first of which is "falling in love", or infatuation. Here, love presents itself as a feeling, an emotion that we seek and enjoy. It brings pleasure, excitement, and ecstasy, but sooner or later, it will have to die down like other emotions. Love begins in physical attraction, but it takes more than that to be truly and really love.

As reality begins to set in to the picture, realities about love, the partner, and the decision come into the fore. This is the second stage known as "falling out of love" or disillusion. Here, love ceases to feel good, things to back to its normal and ordinary ways, and the love once found seems to be lost with the reality of the "other-ness" of the partner.

Some people stop on the first stage, others last until the second stage until partners find themselves torn apart by love itself. But the challenge is to bridge these stages and make a concrete decision to love.

The third stage of love is "choosing to love" or decision. Going beyond the feelings and imperfections, partners get to care and accept each other: to love each other in richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better of for worse. In the context of marriage, this love finds fulfillment as it builds a partnership of whole life: a total sharing that involves physical (love as bodily, as "two become one" in love), spiritual (commitment of spouses, with God at the center of their lives), material (sharing in building up the family and raising children), and psychological (union of mind, heart, soul) realities.

Love is therefore the capacity to share and care for the other. This decision to love brings forth a commitment to love oneself authentically ("to love your enemies") and perfectly ("to love the another as God has loved me").
 
tomorrow: final reflections on love

Love Notes: Myths of Love

(photo source)

a few days before valentine's day, i thought on posting something from my h4 cle lessons about love, particularly those taken from m. scott peck's book "the road less travelled."

M. Scott Peck will continues his discussion on love by discussing other myths of love. He looks at what relationships aren’t really love because they fail to achieve what love is meant for.

1. Romantic Love / Fairy Tale Love
According to this, there is one person “out there” that is “destined” for us forever. This cannot be love because once again, it removes the role of free will and of effort.

2. Dependency
In dependency, a person may be putting forth tremendous effort, but it is not yet love because it is not truly free. True love must come from one’s freedom.

3. Cathexis without Love
You can cathect many things (hobbies, people, etc.) but it is not love if there’s NO personal spiritual growth. If we make what we cathect our end goal, then we don’t grow spiritually. Reminder though, cathecting itself is not necessarily bad since it allows us to extend our ego boundaries and grow (through our hobbies, etc.), but it becomes the myth, hence detrimental to growth when cathexis becomes obsessive 

4. “Self-Sacrifice.”
In this myth, the idea is that someone should always in order for it to be love. Again, we see a misconception of the act for love. It is not love because it does not lead to spiritual growth of the self and others.

Given all these myths, it is apparent that love is not a simple affair. It’s so easy to rush into love because of the “good” feelings it may provide us. But alas, emotions and feelings don’t last. To dwell on just this aspect of love draws us to the danger of bitterness and disappointment once we lose it later on. Relationships are tricky and very dynamic. M. Scott Peck (and even Pope Benedict) invites us to have a strong resolve; to have commitment in love. Couples have to work things out and think it through all the time.

tomorrow: love as decision and commitment

Love Notes: Love and the Myths of Love

(photo source)

a few days before valentine's day, i thought on posting something from my h4 cle lessons about love, particularly those taken from m. scott peck's book "the road less travelled."

M. Scott Peck defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” Perhaps it is important thing to note that he does not define love according to what it is like (or characteristics of it), but rather according to the purpose it serves.

The Myth of Falling in Love - Man naturally wants to “Fall in love”
“Just as reality intrudes upon the two-year-old’s fantasy of omnipotence so does reality intrude upon the fantastic unity of the couple who have fallen in love. Sooner or later, in response to the problems of daily living… One by one, gradually or suddenly, the ego boundaries snap back into place; gradually or suddenly, they fall out of love.”

Falling in love is a myth holds that love is something that takes over us, much like that “mad passion” described by Pope Benedict XVI in Deus Caritas Est. Remember from Benedict XVI, Love is not something that just takes over us. We must work for it to happen. Moreover, Love is not a feeling because it is not an uncontrollable emotion, but rather a choice as exercised by our freedom that leads to personal growth.

Although falling in love is not yet real love, it is very similar to true love because of the experience of ego boundaries. When we fall in love, the boundaries of our ego are temporarily suspended. In authentic love, the boundaries are extended to include the other. Exercising real love gets us closer and closer to the “ecstasy” of transcending our ego boundaries.

The experience of falling in love must also move towards the experience of choosing to love. We may not control the experience of falling in love, but we are free, and responsible, for continuing to love.

Love is AGAIN both eros and agape: According to M. Scott Peck, the process of love involves stretching and thinning our ego boundaries to include the other. In other words, we are trying to expand our ego (a process that seems to be self-enlarging, i.e. eros). However, in doing so, we are paradoxically giving up the ego we once had. We have to sacrifice certain things in order for our ego boundaries to give. This is where agape comes in.

We can also begin to see parallelisms with our understanding of happiness and suffering from the previous lesson. The joy of growth and the happiness we derive from the fullness of our being should enable us to transcend the suffering of having to sacrifice and suffer for the growth of others.

tomorrow: myths of love

Love Notes: Ego Boundaries and Love

(photo source)

a few days before valentine's day, i thought on posting something from my h4 cle lessons about love, particularly those taken from m. scott peck's book "the road less travelled."

What is the ego?
Often, we think of the word “ego” as having negative connotations. The way psychologists use this word, however, the word “ego” is not something bad. In Latin, ego merely means “I” or “me.” This includes all the values and attitudes and opinions we have about ourselves. It shapes the kinds of things that we will do. For example: We may be tempted to steal money, but then we decide not to because we say to ourselves, “Well I should not do that, because I see myself as an honest person.” And so we don’t.

Moreover, the ego we have drawn through the activity also reveals something more to the ego. The ego obviously has a shape (in this case, a circle), a line that distinguishes who we are from who we are not. The self is contained within the circle and what we are not or what we have yet to become remains outside. The line surrounding the ego represents what M. Scott Peck calls “ego boundaries” 

What are ego boundaries?
Ego boundaries are the limits of how we view ourselves. They usually develop naturally within an individual as he grows up and matures: from childhood all the way to adulthood. They continue to either extend (expand the ego) or retract (limit the ego). We want to extend our boundaries because by doing so, we end up with a “fuller” ego. This act, however, is not an easy task.

The hard reality is: to get the most out of life, we need to get out of our comfort zones, which is hard and we are not comfortable with this. We need to break free and experience many things to attain a fuller life. At the same time, we must remember that there are many things in life that are fixed and should be respected (i.e. laws, traditions and cultures, etc.)

If we want to discuss love, particularly how we as individuals love, we need to have a sense of how our identity is formed. Know that our conscious identity is largely determined by our habits, our attitudes, but most importantly, how we understand ourselves. In other words, our identity is not a fixed, genetically determined thing. From the perspective of our faith, we are not just our genes and our brains. We are something more—something flexible, something free, something with infinite possibilities.

tomorrow: love, and the myth of falling in love