Suscipe (A reflection on the prayer traditionally attributed to Saint Ignatius of Loyola)

(photo source)

In a few days time, I will be admitted to candidacy for the diaconate and priesthood – one of the “last few steps” in seminary formation before ordination. In line with this, I will be posting some fruits of my days of prayer and reflection in preparation for the said activity last weekend at Sacred Heart Novitiate.

Take Lord, and receive 
all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, 
all that I have and possess. 
Thou hast given all to me. 
To Thee, O lord, I return it. 
All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. 
Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

During the mass, I found myself playing Fr. Manoling Francisco SJ’s “Take and Receive,” known in Ignatian parlance as the suscipe. It’s a song always played in masses and liturgies, a very usual song that I know by heart. But while playing it, tears flowed from my eyes and my voice got held back. I still can’t say it, knowing what the song means, and knowing that the hour has come for me to truly live what it says. But I just can’t say it, and I know why.

This song freshly re-echoes what happened before my election when I had my Spiritual Exercises almost five years ago. I found much hesitation belting these lines, knowing that it meant a lot of “surrendering” on my part. How in the world will I give to the Lord my will, my mind, my memory, all things I hold and all I own, the things he himself has given me. In doing so, I ask, what else is left of me? I’ll be giving everything, and I find it hard to do so because nothing will remain in me, even just a bit of my being. For someone who values and cherishes the gifts he gave me, I find it hard to give it back to him. These are the very things that define me, and the very things that I’ll be using in my life and ministry. Why should I give it back? How will I be an effective minister of his word and works without them?

It’s crazy and it may drive me crazy, but I have to. Whatever he gave me, I’m giving them back as a gift. Or perhaps, in the context of my forthcoming admission to candidacy, it means more than that.

This candidacy retreat made me remember and mourn what I’m turning my back on: intimate, exclusive, romantic relationships with a woman, the married life with someone I truly love and want to spend the rest of my life with, and the life of being a father to my own children. The list has been long and exhaustive enough. And now, I am asked to give everything? I’m giving up a lot, and it’s hard and heartbreaking on my part. I’ve gone through a lot of sacrifices, I turned my back on what could be a fulfilling career as an educator, and I’m turning my back on a lifetime of being with someone I love. And now, he’s asking me to give my life back to him. That is just harsh. No man in his right mind would do so because it’s just too much to ask.

While having my walk around the novitiate this morning, I heard the very song I sang when I made my election: “Lord I offer my life.” How incidental that could be: I’m reflecting on the suscipe and the things I’m giving up, and here comes the song played from the horizon. God surely is telling me a lot from this. And I think the lyrics of the song perfectly resonates the Ignatian suscipe:

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before you, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my heart, all of my praise
My heart and my hands are lifted to you

Lord, I offer my life to you
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

Sacrifice. I wrote on my blog the entry entitled “My Sacrifice” during the feast of Saint Ignatius of Loyola. I think this is the same thing that God asks of me in this candidacy retreat. Everything in this world has a price to pay. Yet God freely gives his grace to me, and perhaps if there’s a price to it, it’s my own dreams and desires, my gifts and talents, my joys and pains… these things I have to give up for a pearl of great price. In turn, God asks me to sacrifice and offer the life I’m turning my back on for his greater glory.

They say that the admission to candidacy is my own “engagement” with the Lord. And just like couples who in their engagement will have to give up the possibility of falling in love with another one and thus committing themselves to a lifetime of love and life together, I also have to give up the other possibilities and make them impossibilities to reach a higher possibility. I will be engaged with the Lord and the ministry he’s giving me. And I’m giving up a lot because I love the Lord, and I’m giving back my life out of thanksgiving for everything he has given me, my family, and my loved ones.

Lord, it’s not easy to be me. But I know that you won’t ask something I can’t give. All I ask is your love and grace to sustain me in this choice.

deo gratias.