Allowing vs. Doing

"In this vocation, it is not much of what I am 'doing' but what I am 'allowing' God to work in me."

At first, I felt uncomfortable with that notion: allowing than doing. I think "allowing" entails a certain sense of passivity on a person like an ingredient waiting to be mixed in a big pan to create a dish or a nut waiting to fit inside a bolt. As a man who "does" rather than "allows", it is but natural for me to think that something is not quite right with the quote. I don't wait for things to happen; rather, I make things happen. It is in being "passive" where my downfall lies, as experience suggests.

But eventually I found wisdom in that saying. "Allowing, not much of doing."

Everything that God has given me is grace. I could have lived without them after all, but it is grace. It could be there, it could have been not there; ultimately it is freely given. Not much of the things I have or the people behind me are my own doing. In fact, at times I feel I do not deserve these at all. They are God-sent after all. I can only do as much, but I have to let God bring it to perfection.

"Allowing" means seeing God as the ultimate source and end of such grace and not my own accord. More than that, it means understanding, embracing, and accepting that these are not mine alone. Perhaps it brings me back to my senses that I am not the star of the show, that I am not the point, but a mere pointer to something or even someone greater than I am.

I have to admit that I still feel uncomfortable saying "I will allow the Spirit to work within me this year and see what happens" than "I will do my best in seminary formation yet ultimately the decision lies in the bishop." I think that "allowing" entails a lot of "trusting" - trusting in the unknown, trusting in the intangible, trusting in those beyond my control, and trusting in God who is above all the one who gives.

This is a reminder that the vocation to the priesthood, all that I have, all that I am, are not mine, but God's. That perhaps is why I found it difficult to pray the suscipe, which emerged during the candidacy retreat and more glaringly in the Spiritual Exercises: a part of me still suggests not to give it all, not to trust completely, and not let someone else do what I should be doing.

In the end, I have to let go. I feel now that everything I have is borrowed: God gives, God can also take it away. They are not meant to last forever as my possessions. After all, they are not mine. They belong to God. I have to let go, even if it is hard for me to do so. Calm down, allow his grace to work within me, and let him finish and put to completion what I started.

Kevin Luther C. Crisostomo

4 June 2k12

Mount Peace, Baguio City

8 Day Pre-Diaconal Retreat

AM+DG